Reason #42: Piggyback Rides

Piggyback rides are one of the delights of childhood. While smaller adults can occasionally indulge in such joyous pursuits, bigger people like me are barred from taking part in piggyback rides (as the rider, at least) due to their size. Call me weird, but I miss 'em. If I drop enough weight, I'm hoping some kind soul will let me climb on his or her back for a little innocent "giddyap!" action.

Reason #41: Fat Accent

If you're more than a little overweight, it affects your voice. Other people realize this. Do an experiment: Ask a skinny friend to do an impression of a fat person. She might drop her chin to make her face look huge. Maybe she'll bow her arms out at her sides to pantomime a wide girth. Most likely, she'll drop her voice and slur her words a tad, to emulate a "fat accent." This isn't just unfair stereotyping--excess weight affects your vocal mechanism. And not in a good way.

Reason #40: Bobsledding

While you don't need to be quite as lean as mean for bobsledding as you do for, say, speedskating (Have you seen Apolo Anton Ohno's legs? Lawd-a-mercy!), you do have to be unfat enough to fit into the sled. If you're too chunky, you won't be able to race down the icy track at a zillion miles an hour with three of your closest friends, or score a sweet gold medal for your country.

Reason #39: Vampirism

Odds are that vampires don't actually exist (sorry, Twilight fans). However, there's still a possibility, infinitessimal though it may be, that you could encounter a bloodsucker one evening in the near future and, through a bite to the neck, be recruited into the legion of the undead. If that happens, according to the rules and regulations for vampirism as set forth by Anne Rice, Bram Stoker, True Blood, Twilight and other vampire texts, your appearance at the time of your turning is how your fellow vamps, victims, slayers, etc. will see you for all of eternity. Meaning that if you're bitten and turned as a fatass, then a fatass you will be until the end of time. Or until someone stakes you, whichever comes first.

Reason #38: Laptop

Despite the name, it's a rare instance that someone actually works on her laptop while it's actually sitting atop her lap. I'm doing it right now...with a wee bit of difficulty. It turns out, it's hard to put your laptop atop your lap when your lap is already topped by your gut. Mine's not TOO bad, but any worse, and I'd have to hire a lap, so I could annex it and type atop that lap. BTW, the woman in the picture is using a LapDawg laptop desk that lets you more comfortably use your laptop while you're on the couch. She's also on the phone. Too much multitasking for me, but whatever beans your bags, babe.

Reason #37: Southwest Airlines

It's been all over Twitter, the blogosphere, and now major news outlets--director/actor Kevin Smith got sizeable fat ass booted from a Southwest Airlines flight this weekend. The reason: the pilot felt Mr. Smith was so fat that if he were allowed to remain in his seat, he could possibly bring the entire airplane down in a big ball of fat-fueled fire. If you know Smith from his movies (he's best known as the Silent Bob character in his movies), you know he's overweight, but he's not Jabba the Hutt big. He could get the armrests down just fine (didn't spill out over or ooze under them), buckle the belt without one of those Extend-O-Belt things, and the plane didn't list to the side from his weight. Hugely unfair, and it's been an entertaining saga to follow as he tweets about it. Still, I can't help but think that there but for the grace of God goes my big fat keester.

Reason #36: Alexander McQueen

Despite my girth, I've long wished to be able to fit myself into one of Alexander McQueen's fabulous designs. Since he appeared on the scene, he's been known for dramatic runway shows with fantastical designs, and gorgeous ready-to-wear clothing that, while still high-end, was relatively affordable compared to other designers. I'd spent many hours in Vegas staring at the window of his shop in the Wynn, longing for the colorful garments that seemed so out of reach. Today, I learned the dumbass killed himself. Hopefully I'll still be able to wear one of his dresses--the House of Versace keeps turning out stuff years after his death--but for now, I'll mourn the end of one of fashion's most creative forces.