Reason #42: Piggyback Rides

Piggyback rides are one of the delights of childhood. While smaller adults can occasionally indulge in such joyous pursuits, bigger people like me are barred from taking part in piggyback rides (as the rider, at least) due to their size. Call me weird, but I miss 'em. If I drop enough weight, I'm hoping some kind soul will let me climb on his or her back for a little innocent "giddyap!" action.

Reason #41: Fat Accent

If you're more than a little overweight, it affects your voice. Other people realize this. Do an experiment: Ask a skinny friend to do an impression of a fat person. She might drop her chin to make her face look huge. Maybe she'll bow her arms out at her sides to pantomime a wide girth. Most likely, she'll drop her voice and slur her words a tad, to emulate a "fat accent." This isn't just unfair stereotyping--excess weight affects your vocal mechanism. And not in a good way.

Reason #40: Bobsledding

While you don't need to be quite as lean as mean for bobsledding as you do for, say, speedskating (Have you seen Apolo Anton Ohno's legs? Lawd-a-mercy!), you do have to be unfat enough to fit into the sled. If you're too chunky, you won't be able to race down the icy track at a zillion miles an hour with three of your closest friends, or score a sweet gold medal for your country.

Reason #39: Vampirism

Odds are that vampires don't actually exist (sorry, Twilight fans). However, there's still a possibility, infinitessimal though it may be, that you could encounter a bloodsucker one evening in the near future and, through a bite to the neck, be recruited into the legion of the undead. If that happens, according to the rules and regulations for vampirism as set forth by Anne Rice, Bram Stoker, True Blood, Twilight and other vampire texts, your appearance at the time of your turning is how your fellow vamps, victims, slayers, etc. will see you for all of eternity. Meaning that if you're bitten and turned as a fatass, then a fatass you will be until the end of time. Or until someone stakes you, whichever comes first.

Reason #38: Laptop

Despite the name, it's a rare instance that someone actually works on her laptop while it's actually sitting atop her lap. I'm doing it right now...with a wee bit of difficulty. It turns out, it's hard to put your laptop atop your lap when your lap is already topped by your gut. Mine's not TOO bad, but any worse, and I'd have to hire a lap, so I could annex it and type atop that lap. BTW, the woman in the picture is using a LapDawg laptop desk that lets you more comfortably use your laptop while you're on the couch. She's also on the phone. Too much multitasking for me, but whatever beans your bags, babe.

Reason #37: Southwest Airlines

It's been all over Twitter, the blogosphere, and now major news outlets--director/actor Kevin Smith got sizeable fat ass booted from a Southwest Airlines flight this weekend. The reason: the pilot felt Mr. Smith was so fat that if he were allowed to remain in his seat, he could possibly bring the entire airplane down in a big ball of fat-fueled fire. If you know Smith from his movies (he's best known as the Silent Bob character in his movies), you know he's overweight, but he's not Jabba the Hutt big. He could get the armrests down just fine (didn't spill out over or ooze under them), buckle the belt without one of those Extend-O-Belt things, and the plane didn't list to the side from his weight. Hugely unfair, and it's been an entertaining saga to follow as he tweets about it. Still, I can't help but think that there but for the grace of God goes my big fat keester.

Reason #36: Alexander McQueen

Despite my girth, I've long wished to be able to fit myself into one of Alexander McQueen's fabulous designs. Since he appeared on the scene, he's been known for dramatic runway shows with fantastical designs, and gorgeous ready-to-wear clothing that, while still high-end, was relatively affordable compared to other designers. I'd spent many hours in Vegas staring at the window of his shop in the Wynn, longing for the colorful garments that seemed so out of reach. Today, I learned the dumbass killed himself. Hopefully I'll still be able to wear one of his dresses--the House of Versace keeps turning out stuff years after his death--but for now, I'll mourn the end of one of fashion's most creative forces.

Reason #35: Being a Big Loser

Sometimes I wonder if Biggest Loser's Bob Harper and Jillian Michaels when the cameras finish rolling, go back to a special VIP room where only super-fit personal trainer types are allowed to park their super-tight asses. There, they sip light import beers and make fun of all the moo-cows they scream at on the show. I don't know about you, but I want Bob and Jillian to like me. If you're less than 100 lbs overweight, you're not eligible to go on the program. But, if you're tubbier than that, you're within the desired range, and at risk of having the duo yell at you. Although some might argue that being disciplined by Jillian wouldn't be an all-bad thing (no comment).

Reason #34: Beer

Benjamin Franklin once said, "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." We agree wholeheartedly. And while you should enjoy beer in moderation, it's acceptable to go a little overboard once in awhile and visit the Land of Lush. If you're heavy, though, it takes a heckuva lot more Pabst (or Miller, or Red Stripe, or whatever your brew of choice may be) to attain that pleasant buzz--which means paying the bartender a bigger share of your hard-earned money. Stay thin and save money? I'll drink to that.

Reason #33: Doctor's Orders

If you're fit and healthy, you'll never have to hear a doctor tell you that you need to lose weight, eat better, get more exercise, etc. You probably know that you could stand to part with a few pounds, and that you should get to the gym more often, and that you should maybe eat fewer Big Mac value meals. However, having someone in a white coat tell you all that makes your un-fitness all that more real, and more than a little embarrassing.

Reason #32: Jeans

Curves--like the ones so ably sported by Mad Men actress Christina Hendricks--look fabulous in jeans. Stunning, in fact. Fat...well, not so much. Further, it is a hell of a lot easier finding an affordable pair of jeans to fit your bod if you're in decent shape, compared to when you're than blobby and totally out of shape. And no one should ever--EVER!--have to wear a pair of jeans with elastic in the waistband. Those aren't even jeans; they're wearable humiliation.

By the way, if you're digging the pics of Ms. Hendricks sporting jeans and fetching her dry cleaning, there's more where they came from--you can either click the pic at left for the rink, or just click RIGHT HERE

Reason #31: Energy!

OMG, when you're in great shape, you feel GREAT! GREATGREATGREAT! It's like being on drugs, only cheaper, and you're not going to overdose on fitness. You'll just feel less like a couch-bound lump, and more like a well-fueled machine. This means you can do all the stuff you're obligated to do throughout the day (work, watching kids, etc.) AND be a lot less likely to crash when it comes time to do stuff for yourself. Me time is awesome.

Reason #30: Grocery Bill

If you eat a lot of food, and that food you've procured from the grocery store and chow down while you lounge slothfully around the house is processed crap food, your grocery bill will be pretty danged high. However, if you purchase fresh fruits, veggies, grains, lean meats, and other such vittles, the number at the bottom of your supermarket receipt will be much lower. An added bonus if you're a city dweller commuting by bus or train, you'll have less to carry, and can probably fit all your groceries in a couple of those reusable cloth bags (see the lovely example from Archie McPhee at left).

Reason #29: Weenie Neck

Thankfully I'm not so fat that the back of my neck looks like a pack of hot dogs--although if I'm not careful and don't continue trying to mend my ways, it could look frankfurterish. Although it's nice to enjoy a nice, hot wiener every once in a while, I would prefer that no part of my anatomy ever resemble a pack of wieners. I love saying "wieners." Wieners, wieners, wieners. Hee, hee!

Reason #28: Toilet Seats

One of the worst feelings in the world: excruciating pain, coupled with crippling embarrassment. Such a perilous pairing occurs when your sizable butt busts a toilet seat--far less likely to happen when said butt is slim and trim. I mean, could you imagine the horrible feeling you'd get if you'd broken THIS masterpiece (which, by the way, I am TOTALLY buying)? Shudder the thought.

Reason #27: Holy Shakes

Diet shakes are gross, expensive, and generally not very good for you. Oh, sure, they have some vitamins and stuff, but you're much better off eating a protein-topped salad with an array of veggies than downing a glass of this crap--more nutrients, more filling, and the same number of calories. Plus, how good for you can diet shakes be if the 700 Club's very own Pat Robertson makes them? Yes, the man that said Haiti deserved to suffer rampant death and devastation because its people made "a deal with the devil" to secure their freedom from slavery, is in the diet-shake business. That's a can of his crap there, on the left of these words. Do you want to give that man money? No, you don't. Eat well, get fit, and keep your money out of hate's hands.

Reason #26: Driver's License

Many a person has lied about her weight on her driver's license. I'm one of them. The number listed in the "weight" section of my license is a number that I haven't seen on the scale since college. Someday, though, I will reach that number, and prevent my possible arrest by the State of Illinois on account of fraud.

Reason #25: Biking

Cheap is good these days, which is why biking is so awesome--instead of paying for gas, parking, taxi fare, or a bus ride, you just hop on your two-tired marvel and get to where you want to go for free. However, in order to put your pedal to the metal and tackle serious distances--especially if there are hills involved--you need to be in good enough shape to propel yourself around. Luckily, getting started out with shorter trips helps you get closer to fit, so you can eventually become a wheel warrior.

Reason #24: Belt Buckles

On the excellent forensics-based comedrama Bones, FBI agent Seely Booth (played by David Boreanz) looks dapper and by-the-book...unless you look closely and spot his whimsical socks or quasi-naughty belt buckle (see the photo). You, too, could have your very own Cocky belt buckle from Classic Hardware for a mere $32--however, if you've got a Dunlap gut (i.e. your belly done lap over your waistline), no one's going to see your awesome belt buckle.

Reason #23: Hide 'n Seek

If you're acquainted with any school-age children, you're also acquainted with Hide 'n Seek. With your years of experience playing and adult craftiness, you have an edge on the "seek" part because you're better equipped to scan a house and spot the most likely hiding places. If you're fat, though, you're at a disadvantage on the "hide" part--you can't squeeze your bonus-size butt into those awesome wee hiding places.

Reason #22: Bowling

Bowling is considered a sport. Awesome, because there's not very many sports you can excel at while loading up on pizza and High Life. However, if you're severely out of shape, 10 frames of bowling can still kick your ass; the aerobics aren't all that intense, but your body gets stretched into some slightly unnatural ways while you're slinging that 10-lb. ball around (mine's 16 lbs., thank you). If Walter Sobchak can be enough of an athlete to warrant his own action figure, surely other curvy people like can get in good enough shape to be bowling warriors in their own right.

Reason #21: Belly Button

I miss mine. I'm looking forward to seeing it again soon.

Reason #20: Small-stall Syndrome

In the interest in saving valuable real estate, many businesses have narrowed their bathroom stalls to the point where they're little more than broom-closet size. This is not good if you're the owner of a big butt going in for a sitdown. There's hardly any experience that's more humiliating and gross than lowering your tocks on the seat to find that your asscheeks touch both walls. *sigh*

BTW, that's a picture of the terlet that Sen. Larry Craig was in when he allegedy propositioned a dude cop and got arrested. Allegedly.

Reason #19: Dancing

Dancing is a heckuva lot of fun--and good exercise to boot. Unfortunately, it's hard to feel like a sexy vixen on the dance floor when you're chunky. Instead, you feel...well, kind of like Chunk.

Reason #18: Mom-ments

Moms usually mean well, but sometimes they can make us feel just plain awful about ourselves, via Mom comments (aka "mom-ments") about our weight. For example, here are a few things my own personal mother has uttered to me:
* Do you think your weight might be the reason you haven't found a job?
* Is a 3X going to be BIG enough?
* [holding up a photo] Look at how THIN you used to be!
I'm never going to change my mother--nor you yours--but changing my weight might just get the hurtful, fat-related mom-ments to stop.

Reason #17: Movie Seats

The cost of a movie tickets has doubled since I was a kid. The size of my buttocks has also increased. However, the width of a movie-theater seat has decreased--gotta pack as many butts in those crappy theaters as possible to make money. The result: a moviegoing experience almost as comfortable as a three-hour coach flight, with my ass very likely getting pinched by the hinged seat. Whee.

Reason #16:Sno-Cones

The electronic tone of "Turkey in the Straw" is one of the happiest sounds ever. It means an ice-cream truck is nearby, and--if you can catch it--you can trade a few dollars for a frozen chunk of happiness (for me, a Sno-Cone, the one thing inside the truck you can't buy anywhere else). Trouble is, those trucks are fast--you have mere seconds to grab your money, run outside, and flag the vehicle down before it disappears again. Ironically, it's impossible to snag those empty calories if you're too chubby to chug down the sidewalk after it.

Reason #15: F.U.P.A.

A fupa (pronounced "FOOH-pah") is an acronymic word indicating the generous amount of excess flesh that most overweight people get in the area immediately north of their personal bits. It usually appears below a huge gut, with a "waist" serving as a sort of line of demarcation between the two. Please visit the Urban Dictionary definition, if you can tolerate learning more.

Reason #14: Snoring

According to sleep researchers, the biggest factor behind snoring is obesity. The heavier you are, the more likely you are to saw logs, annoying your spouse/partner/concubines/anyone you're sleeping with. Further, snoring might just prevent a one-night stand from continuing into a long-term relationship. By the way, this cream has little to do with snoring, and everything to do with amusing me. But believe me, if I could rub some crap from a jar onto my ass to make it shrink while I snooze, I would in a heartbeat.

Reason #13: Remote

Warning: this story is slightly gross, but I'm pretty sure the embarrassing hilarity makes up for it.

A few Chicago summers ago, the weather was so unbearably hot--and our apartment so woefully unairconditioned--that I decided to watch some telly sans apparel, in the bedroom where the temp was a wee bit lower. After a while, the program before my eyeballs no longer met my satisfaction, so I reached down for the remote, but couldn't find it. I looked left, right, under the sheets--all to no avail. Then I stood up, only to have the remote fall out from its hiding place--between the rolls of my belly fat. I hadn't even felt it there. The memory of it still gives me the icks--so much so that I can't believe I've waited this long to tackle my weight loss in earnest.

Reason #12: 'Family' Restaurants

I don't choose to eat at TGI Friday's or Applebees or Chili's or any of those so-called 'family' chain restaurants. The food's not horrible, but I'd just prefer to support local eateries and keep the moolah away from faceless corporate entities (call me a hippie). What I HATE about such eateries, though, is the booths--in an attempt to cram as many people as possible into their places, the booths get crammed superclose together. This means that my gut, instead of resting under the table, is actually ATOP it, as if on display. Uncomfortable, humiliating--and, because I'm practically guaranteed to get dragged into one of these places again despite my wishes--a good reason to get rid of my belleh. WARNING: This video, while hilarious, is not suitable for children, old people, or Republicans.

John C Reilly in Satisfaction Guaranteed from Adam "Ghost Panther" McKay

Reason #11: Pants Dropping

One of my favorite moments on NBC's weight-loss reality show The Biggest Loser is at the end when the previously biggie-sized contestants hold in front of them a pair of pants they sported when they were huge, then all of a sudden let them plummet to the floor, revealing to the camera their newly svelte selves. The woman in this picture is Laura, who lost 150 lbs. and documented her weight-loss journey on her charmingly named blog, Fat Pants Adventure. Go, Laura--I'll be joining you soon.

Reason #10: Stairs

City trains are awesome--they magically whisk you from your 'hood to wherever you want to go in your metropolis, for only a few dollars. Trouble is, many of the platforms require climbing long, long flights of stairs. Fine if you're slim and trim. However, if you're a heavy individual, your gimongous legs, overstressed lungs, and owie-prone knees make the task considerably more daunting. Elevators are few and far between, so you can't count on the lift to lift your fat tukis up to the waiting train. Maybe the CTA could invent something that just tosses you from the ground right up to the platform--maybe a Fatapult.

Reason #9: Two Dollars

It's freezing cold, and I needed a sweatshirt to wear around the house--XXL--so I schlepped to Target to procure one. The only thing is, if XL costs $10, an XXL costs $12. If the XL price tag is $18, the XXL's $20. I don't know who decided fatassedness should carry a two-dollar surcharge, but that's money I'd like to keep, so I'm looking forward to losing the weight and spending that two bucks on something more exciting and glamorous. Like socks.

Reason #8: Bra Selection

If you're a relatively fit/trim gal, the lingerie section of your friendly neighborhood retailer is much like a candy store--lots of colorful, delicious choices to choose from. Polka-dot pushups, bright-colored bustiers, velvet va-va-voom numbers. However, if you're a big girl, that wide array narrows drastically to a decidedly less yummy selection. Your choices dwindle down to a spare few, super-sturdy double-barreled slingshots in colors about as appetizing as boiled oatmeal.

Reason #7: Hooker Boots

Many a girl who watched Pretty Woman in her teenage years was impacted by the flick in one way or another, fashion wise. Some lusted after the cute brown-with-white-polka-dots dress that Julia Roberts, playing a lovable prostitute, sported while attending that snooty-ass polo match. Others sighed with envy at the red velvet gown and long gloves she wore when Edward (Richard Gere's rich-dude character) treated her to a night at the opera. Me, I wanted the hooker boots: high-heeled vinyl numbers that went all the way up past her knobby knees. Sadly, it's hard as hell to find ho-boots that fit over fat thighs like mine. If I want to get my stems into these slutty wonders--and it is my dream to do so--I'll have to slim my tree-trunk legs down.

Reason #6: The Planet

Even if you eat organic, vegan, and otherwise super-"green" foods, growing those eats and getting them from the farm, to the store, to your mouth consumes energy, and all that schlepping around negatively affects the environment. The less food you shovel into your maw, the less of an impact your munching has on the Big Blue Marble we call Earth. We won't even get into how eating healthy reduces your methane emissions, because that's just gross.

Reason #5: Those Pants

In the far corner of my closet is a wondrous article of clothing that has long since fallen out of my wardrobe rotation, due to a significant increase in my girth: a pair of red velvet pants. Never mind that I scored these at Target--off the clearance rack, no less. Their humble origins and low price (a whole six bucks) don't diminish the awesomeosity. Reducing my waist and 'tocks enough so that I can fit into these gorgeous trousers is a powerful motivating factor--in fact, I just might pull them out of their distant closet corner and hang them prominently in my home. Eyes on the prize, my friend--eyes on the prize.

Breaking news: Dating site dumps users for post-holiday weight gain

From BBC News:

Dating site axes 5,000 'fatties'

Dating and social network site BeautifulPeople.com has axed some 5,000 members following complaints that they had gained weight.

The members were singled out after posting pictures of themselves that reportedly showed they had put on pounds over the holiday period.

The site allows entry to new members only if existing members vote them as sufficiently attractive to warrant it.

The US, the UK, and Canada topped the list of excluded members.

The site has always been unrepentant about its selection process, calling itself "the largest network of attractive people in the world".

The move was reportedly prompted by members themselves, who police the membership of the site to maintain a high - if highly subjective - standard of attractiveness.

"As a business, we mourn the loss of any member, but the fact remains that our members demand the high standard of beauty be upheld," said site founder Robert Hintze.

"Letting fatties roam the site is a direct threat to our business model and the very concept for which BeautifulPeople.com was founded."

Reason #4: That Itch

There is no minor agony more tortuous than that itch in the middle of your back that's juuuuust out of reach. If you're hugely overweight, you not only have a greater acreage of back skin that's prone to itching, you're also less likely to be lithe and limber enough to be able to get to that maddening itch and dispatch it. You could, I suppose, procure one of those hand-on-a-stick backscratchers, but doing is all but admitting that your fat has won the war. Might as well tie a white flag to the end of the thing.

Reason #3: Ninjas

Picture it: You're walking down the street, minding your own business, innocent as a newborn babe, when all of a sudden--BAM! you're surrounded by Asian assassins who are intent on destroying you with swift-and-silent blows. You need to be at the top of your game to fend off these dastardly, deadly dudes. Sadly, if you're fat and out of shape, you won't be able to defeat them with roundhouse kicks and flying fists of fury. Maybe you could curl up into a ball like a terrorized hedgehog and hope they go away.

Reason #2: Nookie

"The bigger the cushion, the better the pushin'," is how the old saying goes. Not so much, it turns out. If you've got too much cushioning around your bits, you'll have a harder time getting your bits around other people's bits, and for this particular athletic activity, bit-closeness is of ultimate importance. Plus, if you're way out of shape, your stamina will be lower, which reduces the amount of time you can spend pushin'.

Reason #1: Yarn

Since I've taken up knitting, I've been working my way up to crafting myself a handmade sweater. My first project was an unwieldy red scarf that looks like something a drunken monkey might have created wielding needles with his foothands. Now--yay!--I'm starting on my first sweater with this lovely yet simple pattern. At the beginning of the project, however, it became apparent that my size would cost me--literally. If I were wee, it'd only take me six skeins of yarn, at $7 a pop. Because I'm a big girl, it's going to take me eight skeins. That's a hit to my wallet of $14, or a third more, because of my weight. Plus, it's going to take me that many more hours to knit a sweater to cover myself.